real estate agent jokes

Real Estate Agent Dad Jokes

If you haven’t heard we recently launched our “Agent-Level” membership for real estate agents looking for huge bumps in their commissions. Since then, we have been steeped in the agent life talking to all you stressed agents on the phone. After talking for hours with so many agents all of us here feel like it’s a Sunday evening and our buyers are asking to see their 30th house of the day thus impeding our wine o’clock plans.

Let’s blow off some steam with some really punny real estate jokes from my Dad.


A masked robber runs into a real estate agents office and shouts
“Nobody move!”

What does a British real estate agent care most about?
Proper tea

As a commercial real estate agent, I especially enjoy showing of the shopping centers…
Cause once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a Mall!

What did the depressed rural real estate agent do?
Sell farm. (say it quickly)

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns
Last time I ended up voting for a real estate agent!

What do you call a man who sells impossible houses?
A surreal estate agent

How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

CRM salesperson: “This CRM will cut your workload in half”
Real Estate Agent: “That’s great, I’ll take two!”

Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.

My clients put in an offer on a two story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

What does a house wear? Address.

What kind of building weighs the least?
A lighthouse

Seller: But this carpeting cost an arm & a leg when I bought it!
Agent: 90% of the people hate carpeting. The other 10% hate YOUR carpeting.

“I need a raise in my commission,” the Realtor said to her Managing Broker. “There are four other companies after me.”

“Oh really?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
Realtor: “VISA, Verizon, FPL Electric, and Zillow.com

Eh, that Agent doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”

Why did God invent Economists?
So real estate agents could have something to laugh it.

Seller to Agent: “You’ve done such a great job describing my house in your real estate listing that I’ve decided to keep it!

Finally, the best ice breaker line at your next open house:
I’m no photographer, but I can picture you in this house!

Damon Simon

Damon is a real estate investor, a serial entrepreneur, a writer, developer, and a graphic designer. Damon started as a graphic designer in the 90s and quickly created his own affiliate network in the early affiliate marketing boom of 2000's. Next Damon began his real estate career in 2010 and enjoys it as a side hustle when he is not nurturing bits of code & content for his baby, PropertyOnion.com

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